A Sad Day
Have you ever known someone, been very intimate with them on one level or another, and thought very highly of them as a person, then later found out that you were completely wrong about them? It is one of the saddest things I have ever experienced. Actually, not just me either. The person I'm referring to has successfully deceived all of her closest friends, most of them extremely articulate, intelligent, and perceptive, for years. People she has lived with. People she dated. Family members. Jesus, it's amazing that she managed it. It sickens me on the obvious level, but it's impressive as well from a logistical standpoint. She's sustained this insane juggling act, keeping thirty balls going all at once, for five years without a break. Keeping sustained lies straight would be hard enough with just one person, can you imagine with twenty to thirty? I would crack under the pressure.
It's odd. I'm really not particularly mad at her. I've known what was likely going on for a long time. I also knew that she was in all probability taking advantage of me. Frankly, it seemed fairly obvious. I only stuck around as a friend because it was important to me, for several reasons that I don't want to go into right now, to give her every opportunity for redemption and for me to be self-sacrificing to a nearly absurd degree. So, I couldn't be too mad about that. I knew I was setting myself up for trouble. The problem is she was doing it to other people as well, people I care for a great deal.
I knew she was manipulative, but I didn't realize how deep it ran. She completely fucked over people who would have done anything for her. I really do mean anything too. Most people are not lucky enough to ever have friends like these. And she shit all over them. Repeatedly. That I will not allow. That's the thing that angers me. Someone can treat me badly and I'm willing to turn the other cheek, but fuck with people I love and I will destroy you. She has no idea what kind of unholy hell she brought on herself. Parasites are harmful, but still dependent on others. She's about to find out what it's like to lose every person who ever cared about her. And I'll be able to sleep peacefully again.
It's more sad than anything. This person had the potential to be one of the coolest people you'd ever know. It saddens me deeply. I'm a listener by trade. There aren't many people I have trusted enough to talk to openly or let them see me when I'm vulnerable. She knows things about me that I have never told anyone else. Yet, she didn't value that relationship. She used it to try to take advantage of me. I'm sad for us both. She won't have another friend like me.
The other thing that pisses me off is the unfair ethical position she has put me in. She's dumped all sorts of troubling information on me in the past, expecting confidentiality, which I happily provided. People feel very comfortable telling me secrets. People tell me things that I really shouldn't know quite often. One of the reasons that people will tell me these things is because I don't break my promises and I don't tell people's secrets. Some of her secrets have an important relationship to the problems she is having with her friends. I have an ethical duty to warn that I can't avoid, but it still wounds me that I have to go back on my word. Because of her selfishness and poison nature, I am forced to break a promise and betray her trust (unjustly earned as it was) to protect good people from being hurt further.
This rant has gone on long enough. It will all be over soon. I'll be glad to not have to worry about her anymore, much less stress I'll have to deal with. Hopefully it will actually be a wake-up call to this girl as well. That's the other thing; she lives in such a profound state of self-deception. I think she really does believe most of the lies that she tells people. She really believes that she is a good person. She really will think everyone is being horribly unfair to her when everything finally comes out. She is extremely perceptive, but goes to incredible lengths to avoid having to face reality and her own nature. She is loved deeply and truly by those around her. She deserves better than what she is choosing for herself. Her daughter does too. Maybe this will force her to wake the fuck up. I hope so.
I won't hold my breath though...
It's odd. I'm really not particularly mad at her. I've known what was likely going on for a long time. I also knew that she was in all probability taking advantage of me. Frankly, it seemed fairly obvious. I only stuck around as a friend because it was important to me, for several reasons that I don't want to go into right now, to give her every opportunity for redemption and for me to be self-sacrificing to a nearly absurd degree. So, I couldn't be too mad about that. I knew I was setting myself up for trouble. The problem is she was doing it to other people as well, people I care for a great deal.
I knew she was manipulative, but I didn't realize how deep it ran. She completely fucked over people who would have done anything for her. I really do mean anything too. Most people are not lucky enough to ever have friends like these. And she shit all over them. Repeatedly. That I will not allow. That's the thing that angers me. Someone can treat me badly and I'm willing to turn the other cheek, but fuck with people I love and I will destroy you. She has no idea what kind of unholy hell she brought on herself. Parasites are harmful, but still dependent on others. She's about to find out what it's like to lose every person who ever cared about her. And I'll be able to sleep peacefully again.
It's more sad than anything. This person had the potential to be one of the coolest people you'd ever know. It saddens me deeply. I'm a listener by trade. There aren't many people I have trusted enough to talk to openly or let them see me when I'm vulnerable. She knows things about me that I have never told anyone else. Yet, she didn't value that relationship. She used it to try to take advantage of me. I'm sad for us both. She won't have another friend like me.
The other thing that pisses me off is the unfair ethical position she has put me in. She's dumped all sorts of troubling information on me in the past, expecting confidentiality, which I happily provided. People feel very comfortable telling me secrets. People tell me things that I really shouldn't know quite often. One of the reasons that people will tell me these things is because I don't break my promises and I don't tell people's secrets. Some of her secrets have an important relationship to the problems she is having with her friends. I have an ethical duty to warn that I can't avoid, but it still wounds me that I have to go back on my word. Because of her selfishness and poison nature, I am forced to break a promise and betray her trust (unjustly earned as it was) to protect good people from being hurt further.
This rant has gone on long enough. It will all be over soon. I'll be glad to not have to worry about her anymore, much less stress I'll have to deal with. Hopefully it will actually be a wake-up call to this girl as well. That's the other thing; she lives in such a profound state of self-deception. I think she really does believe most of the lies that she tells people. She really believes that she is a good person. She really will think everyone is being horribly unfair to her when everything finally comes out. She is extremely perceptive, but goes to incredible lengths to avoid having to face reality and her own nature. She is loved deeply and truly by those around her. She deserves better than what she is choosing for herself. Her daughter does too. Maybe this will force her to wake the fuck up. I hope so.
I won't hold my breath though...
2 Comments:
Sounds very familiar...
p.s. - pyramid song is sooo good as well. You know which other song I realized is really good by Radiohead? "Bullet Proof..I wish I was." Don't we all?
cheers!
That is a very good song. For some reason a lot of the stuff on The Bends slips my mind when I think of them, even though I love that album. I also can't get enough of Motion Picture Soundtrack from Kid A. I'd really like to record a cover version of that actually.
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