Bend (do not break)

Three tricks for better living:
Only sleep to stay awake.
You must learn to be far, but still remain.
Bend, but do not break.

These are words from a song that I wrote years and years ago. I don't even remember exactly how far back. These are very significant words to me just at the moment.

Jesus, this has been a bad day. I am overwhelmed right now with everything that is about to happen to me because of events that transpired today. My life is going to change very very quickly and I'm scared to death. I need time to process before I can talk about it. I'm going to be fine, but it doesn't feel like it right at this moment. Don't worry though. I'm not dying or anything.

I have several recent conversations ringing in my ears right now. The same subjects have come up with four people who are very dear to me in the space of a week (at least two of whom will likely end up reading this :) ). Our conversations had a personal relevance that I had no way of understanding at the time. Seeming coincidences are arranging themselves into obvious patterns before my eyes. I'm experiencing the peculiar sensation of the world at large trying to tell me something. I'm getting the message, but I'm not ready to hear it yet.

I'm about to get too far into this right now and make myself really upset, so I'm going to stop. I'll get this out very soon though.

On The Edge Of...

soft from your lips
to the rise of your stomach
your lungs filled with fingers
keep jamming words down my throat
nothing to steal
we've got nothing to love
nothing to spill because
oh, we're so innocent
oh...

oh, on the edge of...
oh, on the edge of...

I could have built you
a house on the ocean
the ocean repeating
receding into the sun
so, cut to you dead
and then cut to the laughing
cut through our bodies
and lastly into our...
oh...

oh, on the edge of...
oh, on the edge of...

(Low)

These are the lyrics from a song by Low, off their latest album, The Great Destroyer. I can't describe how much I love this song. I just can't stop listening to it. I mean, the whole album is incredibly good, but this song just kills me. The lyrics move me deeply and the harmony on the chorus is just...plain...perfect... It's strange how the words from some songs feel as though they were plucked straight from your mind while you were dreaming. This is one of those songs for me. I have that feeling a lot with their music though. Every time I hear Silver Rider from this same album I feel the most glorious sadness when they come to the second verse:

the march is over
the great destroyer
she passes through you like a knife

The whole song is, again, entirely divine, but this one part...it's just oh so lovely... Everyone go check out Low. I implore you. Their website is www.chairkickers.com and it has all sorts of cool video material and song samples. Go on now.

Deep breath.

Just have time for a quick post. I needed time to decompress and gather my thoughts following my Sad Day post. There was a confrontation and three of us (maybe even more, actually) finally washed our hands of someone who had previously been a best friend. Fortunately, she made it slightly easier than I was expecting. She actually just came right out and admitted most of what she had been doing. I was really worried that it was going to turn into a debate or something. In any case, I'm glad it's over and we can all move on. It's all still very raw though.

Fortunately this weekend has been nice. I didn't get much done that I had planned on, but that's okay. I had lot's of other pleasant surprises instead. A friend is also coming in to visit from Wisconsin this week, so I have something to look forward to there as well.

Alright, that will sew it up for now. I'll be back soon with some writing and a better update.

Metal Heart

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling you've been faking
And I'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't
It's damned if you do
Be true, cause they'll lock you up in
The sad sad zoo
Oh hidey hidey hidey
What you trying to prove?
By hidey hidey hiding
You're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold 'em up to light
Blew smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed and everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo

And I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind, but now
I see you

How selfish of you
To believe in the meaning of
All the bad dreaming

Metal heart, you're not hiding
Metal heart, you're not worth a thing

- Chan Marshall

This song has run through my head several times recently. It's one of those that does that from time to time, especially when I have stuff on my mind. It's one of my favorites, very personal. I always thought it was goofy when I'd see people post lyrics on these things, but I like having these words in my personal space in some way. I'll probably continue to post lyrics for stuff I'm listening to at the moment or that has been in my mind a lot or is otherwise floating in the ether.

A Sad Day

Have you ever known someone, been very intimate with them on one level or another, and thought very highly of them as a person, then later found out that you were completely wrong about them? It is one of the saddest things I have ever experienced. Actually, not just me either. The person I'm referring to has successfully deceived all of her closest friends, most of them extremely articulate, intelligent, and perceptive, for years. People she has lived with. People she dated. Family members. Jesus, it's amazing that she managed it. It sickens me on the obvious level, but it's impressive as well from a logistical standpoint. She's sustained this insane juggling act, keeping thirty balls going all at once, for five years without a break. Keeping sustained lies straight would be hard enough with just one person, can you imagine with twenty to thirty? I would crack under the pressure.

It's odd. I'm really not particularly mad at her. I've known what was likely going on for a long time. I also knew that she was in all probability taking advantage of me. Frankly, it seemed fairly obvious. I only stuck around as a friend because it was important to me, for several reasons that I don't want to go into right now, to give her every opportunity for redemption and for me to be self-sacrificing to a nearly absurd degree. So, I couldn't be too mad about that. I knew I was setting myself up for trouble. The problem is she was doing it to other people as well, people I care for a great deal.

I knew she was manipulative, but I didn't realize how deep it ran. She completely fucked over people who would have done anything for her. I really do mean anything too. Most people are not lucky enough to ever have friends like these. And she shit all over them. Repeatedly. That I will not allow. That's the thing that angers me. Someone can treat me badly and I'm willing to turn the other cheek, but fuck with people I love and I will destroy you. She has no idea what kind of unholy hell she brought on herself. Parasites are harmful, but still dependent on others. She's about to find out what it's like to lose every person who ever cared about her. And I'll be able to sleep peacefully again.

It's more sad than anything. This person had the potential to be one of the coolest people you'd ever know. It saddens me deeply. I'm a listener by trade. There aren't many people I have trusted enough to talk to openly or let them see me when I'm vulnerable. She knows things about me that I have never told anyone else. Yet, she didn't value that relationship. She used it to try to take advantage of me. I'm sad for us both. She won't have another friend like me.

The other thing that pisses me off is the unfair ethical position she has put me in. She's dumped all sorts of troubling information on me in the past, expecting confidentiality, which I happily provided. People feel very comfortable telling me secrets. People tell me things that I really shouldn't know quite often. One of the reasons that people will tell me these things is because I don't break my promises and I don't tell people's secrets. Some of her secrets have an important relationship to the problems she is having with her friends. I have an ethical duty to warn that I can't avoid, but it still wounds me that I have to go back on my word. Because of her selfishness and poison nature, I am forced to break a promise and betray her trust (unjustly earned as it was) to protect good people from being hurt further.

This rant has gone on long enough. It will all be over soon. I'll be glad to not have to worry about her anymore, much less stress I'll have to deal with. Hopefully it will actually be a wake-up call to this girl as well. That's the other thing; she lives in such a profound state of self-deception. I think she really does believe most of the lies that she tells people. She really believes that she is a good person. She really will think everyone is being horribly unfair to her when everything finally comes out. She is extremely perceptive, but goes to incredible lengths to avoid having to face reality and her own nature. She is loved deeply and truly by those around her. She deserves better than what she is choosing for herself. Her daughter does too. Maybe this will force her to wake the fuck up. I hope so.

I won't hold my breath though...

Red Apples

I went down
to the river
to meet the widow.
She gave me an apple.
It was red.
I slept in her black arms
for a century.
She wanted nothing
in return.
I gave her nothing
in return.

The ghost
of her husband,
beautiful as a horse,
pulled up an apple cart
full of millions
of red apples

full of millions
of red apples
for us.

- (smog)

Invertebrate.

(random thought)

Invertebrate, me.

At moments I am so weak.

Shame, shame, shame...

The longing compels me.